Sniffer 1 and Sniffer 2

Took the Typist I civil service test this morning. I reviewed for it until I couldn't stand thinking about it another second. The test was administered at our local community college, in their auditorium. No personal seat selection allowed; we were slotted one desk apart and the space was very tight. My teeny weeny fold-away desktop was barely letter paper size. Was it like this when I went to college in the '80's? Here's a horrible thought -- I've gotten bigger -- yew. At least I did fit into the seat and didn't have to ask for a Big Person/Handicapped Seat in the back. I juggled the admission form, survey sheet, scratch paper, answer page, and testing book. I was glad I chose my smallest calculator, as the regular one I use would have taken up most of the desktop. It was pretty claustrophobic.

Dr. Seuss has nothing on me, as I was placed between Sniffer 1 and Sniffer 2. They couldn't get into sync, as Sniffer 2 was occasional and Sniffer 1 was every minute. Perhaps this was a signal between them -- the updated Old North Church --"one sniff if by answer a, two sniffs if by answer b."

As with the Clerk test three weeks ago, I filled out the voluntary purple survey form, noting I was White and Female, just like 99% of the others today. Last time it was 100%.

Here's a survey question: why even test spelling any more? SpellCheck has cleared out much-needed space in my brain once reserved for spelling memory. I'm sure I took all of my hits on the spelling portion, as the rest of the test was common sense and attention to detail.

I finished an hour and ten minutes into the three hours allotted, and almost everyone else had already turned in their papers. It's all computer scored, but the results still take four weeks.

Outside once again, taking great breaths of clean air, trying to get my nasal passages to forget the bug spray some babe doused herself with. Claustrophobia, nasty cheap perfume, sniffling -- this civil service test was a true test -- of concentration.

Math Work Problems

I'm preparing for another civil service test this Saturday. This test does not have grammar, but does have math problems. These are generally straightforward addition, subtraction, etc., but also contain another of my nemesis -- work problems. "If six men can build three houses in six months, how many men will it take to build five houses in three months?" Fortunately, my practice books have the solving formulas.

On the other hand, these problems do not reflect the real world. Are the men union? If so, add on an extra week or two, and do you count the phantom workers? Are cigarette breaks factored-in; how about Monday morning hangovers? And regarding clerical problems -- if one secretary can type 20 pages a day, how long will it take if she has a new manicure?

How long will it take a person to study math problems if they don't give a feck?

New Job?

So, I was surfing the web and came across a woman who wants to be the heaviest woman on record. She currently is a svelt 600 pounds, but needs to gain at least 600 more to win the coveted (?) Guinness title. Her food bill is $750 a week, which is more than I made, by far, at my old job. She supports her quest via her website -- where men pay to watch her eat. She doesn't even have to take her clothes off or send guys her used panties.

I wonder if men would pay to watch me eat? I do have a webcam in this laptop. I could even wear appropriate costumes -- green for St. Patrick's Day, red/white/blue for Flag Day, and some wicked pirate garb on Talk Like a Pirate Day. I don't want to challenge her for the tile -- but charging for three squares a day? I could publish recipes for any fans that want to eat along with me.

Civil Service Text Redux

It is the day before my Keyboard Specialist exam and I am as prepared as I can be. Took another grammar practice exam and did okay -- I am better with nominative and objective pronouns.

Don't know what to expect with the keyboarding questions. The only practice sections I've found deal with typewriters. Did you know that the electronic typewriter is so much better than the manual typewiter? Since my office career began in 1970, I was well able to answer questions about erasing onion skin. Anyone just a bit younger than me probably thinks onion skin only pertains to the veggie.

I'm having difficulty getting a new job because I lack Word and Excel skills, so I am apprehensive about keyboarding questions. The Keyboarding Exam is given again in June, so by that time I will have completed my Word, Excel, Access, and Powerpoint courses. Yippee! I'm employable! Oh wait -- I'm still a geezer. Damn. Worked ever since I was 16 and now I'm unemployable.

National Grammar Day

I am preparing for the NYS Keyboard Specialist civil service exam this Saturday. I've taken Typist I exams in the past and have done very well, so I approached my prep with a happy heart, knowing I could knock back some practice and land at the top of the scores.



Au contraire. Vocabulary -- outstanding. Sentence completion -- no problemo. Reading comprehension -- fantastic. Even the analogies that gave me fits for the Typist I test (alumnus is related to alumna as rooster is related to....) were a piece of cake -- I'd cracked the code. Then I tried word division.



One of the worst grades I ever received at any school was in fifth grade for word division. The homework consisted of 100 words to be divided properly. I missed over 50% and received the lowest grade in the class -- it was devastating. I was accustomed to getting the top grade, and it really stung. The other kids had all gotten 100% and the teacher was so pleased with them. That made me feel worse, because not only did I suck at word division, I was too stupid to cheat.



Well, I still suck at word division. But that pales in comparison with how much I suck at grammar. I thought I had a firm grasp on "who" and "whom" -- but I don't. One test asks questions in two parts. Part a is whether the sentence given is grammatically correct. Part b is whether the grammar rule given is correctly applied in the sentence: "present participle should be used," "nominative case should be used," "perfect infinitive should be used." I don't even remember this from my college English courses. Guess what? I don't know and I don't care!



One of the practice tests had 11 questions and I missed 9 of them. My consolation, however, is hoping that all of the other people taking the exam are all much younger and graduates of our Feel Good About Yourself schools. That, and texting, will kill their grammar and spelling and give GeezerWoman a better score in comparison. A little schadenfreude??

Today is National Grammar Day and time to pause and remember all of the valiant grammarians who have made our lives better by keeping our participles from dangling.